Renewed

Hello, my name’s Andrew and I’ve been renewed. At least it seems that way since I’ve changed too much yet not noticed anything happen on the way.

I’m an 18-year-old typical teenage stoner. I had a hang-up once which I still haven’t got over, but I keep trying. I’m currently with someone I really like. And this is what scares me.

EVERYONE I get into a relationship with has been a carbon copy of the other. Sorry, but that’s the facts. What really scared me yesterday was the fact that my new…er..partner? was on iTunes and had organised everything perfectly, putting every song not in an album into one marked ‘Random’.

This is exactly what one of my exes used to do. The similarities don’t stop there, it’s just freaky how everything seems to have a déja-vu quality to it.

Now, I have an exam on tomorrow and I’m not particularly worried. All that I’m worried about is getting there on time, as I haven’t been able to sleep recently. Why? Because I’ve realised slowly that I’m a complete mess with no real aim, who drinks, smokes, farts and snores like the rest of us.

We are the all-singing, all-dancing crap of the world. We are all part of the same compost heap.

And in all probability, God hates us all.

Thanks, invisible friend.

Retour

Hey there neglected diary.

Today I went out with someone I really liked. We’d been talking for a while, even got together, but tonight I just..sucked in general. We didn’t connect but we had done for a while.

After a while I realised I had some kind of mental block. You get in the way all the time and I can’t stop thinking about it. It’s got past that crappy depression bit, it’s just a massive obstacle whenever I meet someone, because now I never have any courage, I just turn completely stale and stay friendly even though there’s been blatant signs.

Fuck it, I’m talking to a brick wall. Ahhhh

Age

I don’t know about you, but I just stumbled upon a list of the music charts.

I know it’s silly, but when you actively hate each and every artist on the top 20 you have to get a little worried about how to become more accepted as an average person.

I *like* Katy Perry.

The Killers’ new album wasn’t literally just to piss me alone off, it was also designed to make a lot of money – maybe the album was being ironic in that it knows it’ll filter through the already-brown slop to make it a sort of half-bottle-vodka-kebab yellow-green.

Take That. No. Bad.

For Kings of Leon (which I suppose I save a soft spot for because the early work actually rocked), Sex on Fire has managed to get so successful that it’s spawned a twin and has decided to go and help Razorlight.

Here are a couple of mind-opening bands

King Crimson
Rusko
Architects
A Black Rose Burial
DJ Hazard

That is all.

Damnit

I’ve spent all this time looking for a way out of consciousness when I really should have studying. I don’t think I want any more drugs, I’ve just realised how much of a tit I’ve been the last few weeks.

I have some tests next week but if I smoke I won’t really care. I’ve become such a hypocrite all of a sudden.

I hope the new Family Guy comes out on Sunday, if not then I’ll be very disappointed.

It’s been 18 weeks already and I’ve done nothing. Literally nothing. I don’t know how I’ve got all those marks because in my mind I haven’t earned them. I don’t know why I’ve been so hung up that when a girl literally walks into my arms I can’t feel natural with them. I don’t know why I hate being a pawn when everyone else seems fine with it. I don’t know how I’ve become like this, and I’m a little bit scared of myself.

Still, Alternative Night tonight. In the dark, moshing about – back to my roots. Back to my real roots.

Metal really is better than dubstep.

But yet I can’t help thinking that because I have such an addictive personality that I’ve got bored of weed. Now that’s a very scary thought.

Am I going to get bored of everything, if I get bored of this? Maybe I’ll get addicted to work, that’d probably be for the best.

That’s it

I hereby shall spend my weekend as high as a kite.

I hereby claim that I shall have fun.

I hereby claim that by Monday, I will forget who I am and join a circus.

Alors

Note to self, Class C drugs don’t mix with 10am lectures…

You.

And I’d give anything to see her smile again
And I’d do anything for one last smile.

Blank

Man, I can’t wait till this ‘holiday’ is over. It just feels like a prison now.

I can’t play chess. I suck.

I had my first cigarette for a week last night. Such a rush, only reason I hadn’t felt like one until now though was probably due to me having 14 on New Year’s Eve. I dunno how I did it, I guess it happens…

The sun’s in my eyes wherever I go in my room. I much prefer the dark.

The internet’s down. It wouldn’t be down back at home.

I’m going to try and play at the open mic thing back at Uni on Wednesday. Hope I sing ok, because I suck at that too.

The french book I’m reading for my degree is too hard, and I don’t like it because it reminds me of me.

I’m selling stuff on Amazon. Who buys a Hobbit Audio CD? Abridged, no less…

Windows Vista is the pits, can’t wait to get back onto my comp. I might get a new sub, my one’s packing up – or kinda has done for the last 6 months or so. It keeps fuzzing. Saw a good-un for only £40, might get that. 80 watts for my dubstep.

There’s a Heaven and Hell theme for Flirt when I get back. I’m going to go the whole hog and get devil horns and wear those Criminal Damage black goth trousers I’ve been aching to wear. Haha.

I’m getting a hair cut tomorrow. Do I keep it relatively long, or do I go back to when I actually got girls because I cared? I think for both my and everyone else’s sake, I should make I seem like I care, I guess.

Need

I just want to click with someone. It’s not happened yet, and I know I should be patient. It just annoys me that whenever I find someone they’re somehow not quite right. I don’t know. Not even with you.

It just makes me feel a bit ill. Maybe drinking a lot tonight and raving to DnB and cheese will cheer me up.

Or maybe it’ll get me back here at 3am doing what I always do. That plus weed. Heh.

Awareness

I didn’t realise until today – heh, well I suppose that makes it final doesn’t it.

I have exams in an hour or so – I don’t need to revise therefore I won’t. Doesn’t that just make it so annoying? I will never be anything because I don’t try hard enough. I’ll always be a jack of all trades – and a master of none.

I’m going to buy Rock Band after Christmas and trade my education for the completion of all the tracks.