Worth

Today I explore and compare, very shortly, physical objects with the feeling of worth.

Nah screw this, I don’t feel like writing at the moment so I’ll write what I want.

Guitaring is getting annoying but I’ve recently had a breakthrough in that if I spent more than 30 seconds trying to learn something instead of trying to be a prodigy and getting it right the first time I play it, then I am actually able to play that song. Therefore I conclude with this that I should be Jimi Hendrix standard due to effort and not due to ability, because ability comes with practice.

I never listen to the words in songs. I’m currently listening to ‘Paint Your Target’ by Fightstar. I actually know literally none of the words, but I like the riff so it’s ok. Words really do mean nothing in songs to me…except Opeth (l) mmm Opeth.

I am drinking myself to death, but also back to life. Last night was the first time I’ve wished upon a star. I had 350ml of vodka, which was obviously my motive to look at the stars and mumble at them.

The prospect of doing a French exam next Thursday hasn’t sunk in yet, and I’ve done no fucking revision. I’m disappointed with myself, but this could possibly be because I’m guaranteed at least a D, which I need to get into Uni. Seems that I am actually relying on luck, never a good thing…

I need a new acoustic, but for some reason life won’t let my account get about £20 for longer than 3 days. I’m taking money out of my savings account for uni trying to convince myself that I’ll make £700 in 2 months. Which i hope I will :S

There’s nothing left to spill out of my mind. I’m off to play guitar.

Habit

This might be a long one depending on how deep I go.

Today was a shit day because of the many crying babies girls as it was the last day of school ever.

Ever. That’s 14 years of being somewhere you really don’t want to be. However, to make it better, people make friends. I don’t see the point of being sad about people you only put up with to get through the 14 years, along with being in an environment that in fact prohibits friendship in many ways – no talking, don’t talk to strangers, anti-bullying messages, generally bigger people (though Bungay had it easy – Year 7s vs Year 13s was difficult to say the least in Copleston) and fatigue from having shit you don’t want crammed into your brain, into your brain. At least I think this is why I’m mildly annoyed at this.

There was also a ball. Aside from it being a gross Americanisation (might as well just call sinks faucets and get car bonnets confused with trunks now and get it over with) it’s also and over-the-top way of saying ‘I no longer have to see your faces blahing at me every single day’. The whole ‘clique’ thing goes to a new level and drunken boundaries are broken. Not to mention the bus ride home…bleurghhhh. Don’t get me wrong but I still haven’t got this people business, and if I seem general, arrogant and a fuckwit, then it was probably not meant (enough commas?), but this is just stupid. Plus I look like a tit in a suit.

No longer lingering on this for fear of looking resentful towards the jocks and plastics who sail through life with people like me dribbling at their feet (Emma Scotton is actually the most perfect-looking person I’ve ever seen and I want to steal her), for me school has been a habit, and so I suppose people have become that too. Signing in people’s leaver’s books I wrote the same thing – I’ll miss you etc. Posing in photos I made the same face.

Others showed some kind of…feeling. I don’t really feel that, and I’m beginning to think it’s a part of my life that I must have just skipped at some point. I’m fine with staying in the corner and just observing others, I don’t want to be part of the conversation because it turns into me telling other people about stuff. I like the out-of-the-way, no-strings feeling of being invisible and sailing through without others looking at me, either in a bad light or a good one. For a megalomaniac I seem to have bipolar.

I know some people would have been mildly annoyed that I said goodbye a few times to some guys, but that was only because I was dragged along instead of going home early. This means they think I actually will really miss them, which I suppose is a good thing now I come to think of it.

I really, really hope my new life doesn’t become a habit just like that one. I hate the slog, the self-predictability. I want to try polyphasic sleep – a method in which your body gets the 3 hours of REM it needs as soon as it goes to sleep. Think the German, efficient version of sleep. Unfortunately, you can only take 30 minute or 20 minute sleeps, at 6 or 4 hour intervals, according to the guide. This would screw up any plans you had really, for example day-trips or extended periods away from home in general. This method of sleep isn’t easy to move in and out of either – this one guy spent about a month getting into it and only just managed to do it. However, this can leave too much time at night just sitting waiting, whereas normally you’d be asleep. Everything has its advantages and disadvantages, but I’d love to just try it, to see how it felt. Apparently every cycle you do, you dream straight away because your body has to adapt to the conditions you’re setting it. It’s a beautiful idea, and works on the same idea as any ‘normal’ monophasic sleep pattern, except it ignores time and light indicators. Anyway, enough about that.

The only thing that doesn’t make me go ‘guh’ in an annoyed manner is language and a crush. I spent about 30 minutes reading a book about grammar that I picked up as a joke, and learnt about orthography (the way in which words are meant to be worded). It actually turned me on a little, god I’m weird.

Crushes are just awesome because you never know if it’ll turn into a thrill-ride or end up being light flirting for the rest of life with them. I tend to have a lot of crushes. Maybe it’s a good thing I’m leaving school? I still the mentality in some parts.

Going back to habits.

I bite my nails pretty badly – about 3 or 4 of my fingers are bleeding or have bled from today, and that’s about normal for me. I know I’ll end up with stubby fingers or whatever, or in jobs people will go ‘ooh no he’s a baddie because of his fingernails etc’ but I just don’t care for now. What started as habit has become relaxation and comfort. I love to bite my nails, I actually love it. The caress and prising to having not had a chance for ages and sitting for 15 minutes for a session. If I didn’t bite my nails I wouldn’t feel like me.

Habits are defined as ‘an established way of behaving’. Society is a habit. Talking is a habit. Life is a habit if that’s anything to go by.

A habit for me is, if I was to control the dictionary, ‘an addiction to a characteristic trait or behaviour’ i.e. I bite my nails, I chew plectrums (now you know what to get me for birthday ), I have tea with the bag still in. I can deny it’s an addiction, but here’s where the line is blurred – where do you just like something and where is the addiction? That seems to be down to society to tell you. You suck your thumb? Addiction. You drag your feet? Habit. Stupidity in a nutshell…

I’ve gone as deep as I want, I think. I haven’t padded it out, as I never do. My mind goes in a tunnel with forks, and just follows one. That’s why I don’t get very good marks on essays. Well, I do, but that’s because I’m just fucking awesome.

(Small update – Internet just cut off. I had to turn the wireless off and on again to post this. Habit?)

Association

Chocolate

Sex

Taste

Turkey

Christmas

Disappointment (…)

Television

Station Agent

Midgets

Bullying

Ears

Just Words

Music

Love

Pillow (…)

MSN

You

I think we have proved anything comes down to anything?

My word association may suck arse because I’m not literally blah-ing straight off, I’m having to type. However my word association is probably almost exactly the same as everyone else’s. Worrying considering there are 13,000 words in the English Dictionary and I spawned 8-10 of them.

What would you associate with Chocolate? Many would pick sex I’m sure, others would pick Christmas, others would pick bullying. Also funny how they’re interconnected.

Any point to this? No.

Memory Dump begin:

I have an odd friend talking to me whom I only keep in contact with so he buys me gig tickets.

Why is Chloe talking to me, and why did she come out as bi on Myspace, that’s sad.

I love this song, it reminds me of Ash and how fucked we’re going to get in August as Bloodstock. I love Annotations of an Autopsy.

I miss Year 12 people at school because they are more mature than the other fuckwits in my year, and a hell of a lot more interesting.

My phone charger has a bit missing on it so I can’t charge it unless it’s on the computer, which is mildly annoying.

I can’t wait until the weekend and the days afterwards. No more cunts.

We’re gonna be guitar buddieeeeees

Haven’t been to a gig blind drunk in ages, though whenever I do I either get a girl’s phone number or lost my own damn phone.

Going to the cinema with 2 girls tomorrow and they find it completely normal, I’m wondering if they think I’m gay or are just letting me tag along to look at their legs and bum. Mmm.

I’m actually going to delete this later I think, it’s a waste of the internet. Good bye

Beliefs

What anyone can believe can be undermined at any moment, like everything really. The only difference is that with beliefs and opinions, they can’t be changed without the permission of the individual.

Todorov says no matter how many times we look at white swans passing us, there is no affirmation that they aren’t any other colour, e.g. black, yellow or fluorescent pink. Some individuals accepted it, yet others argued that actually you could argue that the swans’ genetic make-up is so that all of them are white. Someone else (me) said that actually there can be a freak mutation in any animal at any time, which is the fundamentals of evolution, and that there may be a species of swan not discovered yet, or hidden from the public (don’t ask me why, we all lolled). The people who didn’t agree had no argument against this however they flatly refused to change their beliefs, because the undermining of beliefs seems to make anyone very uncomfortable and unsafe about themselves. This is even if the beliefs were formed by parents or television or even just randomly in childhood. For instance, I grew up thinking all cars ran on the same fuel and the different types were solely due to the driver’s preference to the colours. Makes sense if you think about it as a child. Only when I was explicitly explained that the colours signified something did I resign myself to the fact that they were right and I was wrong. This may be due to my competitiveness, but I think all people have this trait. Competitive people are obviously affected more.

Which brings me to the next argument we stumbled across – time and colour do not exist (This was to prove that genre boundaries in film classifications are only due to our perception that has been built up over centuries socially through Aristotle and Neo-Classicalism). Time is a way of people to measure something and makes us feel safe.

‘What’s the time?’ ‘12:00′ ‘Oh ok, I have 3 hours to do this paper until I have to give it in’

Or a little while ago:

‘When was the Earth formed, I feel a little insecure that our human knowledge is inferior to that of nature’

‘God did it’

Or, even further back:

‘WHAT TIME UG’ ‘NO KNOW, NEED EAT GAZELLE’

The reason why people reacted differently was of course because in the first example, time makes you feel secure because of the assurance that there is a measurable period of life in which you can do the paper. Without it, think how hard life would be if you didn’t know the time and everyone else did – you’d lose track of the date and time and only know the seasons through heat. However, you’d be a lot less controlled by time, in that you have no limits in where to go and when. Eat when you want, not when others eat. Same with sleep. Problem is that humans were programmed to measure and define boundaries and place them into categories, to make us feel safe and knowledgeable about the world around us.

The second reason is bad because people need to prove something even if they don’t know how something works. For example, people didn’t know that the Earth was round, and knew that if they stood on a really high hill, the Earth still looks flat. Therefore they believed there was a boundary, an end, somewhere. I can just imagine it now, video-game style, where the explorer hacks through the bushes, wades through the quagmire, fighting off lions and snakes only to discover a huge fucking iron wall in front of him and realising he’s another victim of control like everyone else. But no. Anyway, the reason why assuming is bad is because people carry it on as read and as a concrete belief. The Renaissance is a great example, with Galen – he said (copied from the Greek idea of the 4 humours…what have the Romans ever done for us? XD) that the body must be balanced – bile, blood, sweat and mucus. Therefore, too much sweat meant too much blood for example because the body was red (makes sense right?) so the victim was bled. Too much mucus and the victim was made to sweat, etc. People believed this until the late 18th Century. This was from one guy who copied Hippocrates in the first place in the 400s who said this and no-one had proof against it. Then Virchow comes in and says ‘uh no you’re wrong this is disproved by my cellular pathology, every cell comes from another cell therefore diseases are not due to the imbalance in different types of bacteria’ but no-one believes him until he has concrete proof – even then he has a hard time of it and many don’t believe in his proof, because of the traditional element of belief. This is why belief in things you don’t know about is wrong – laissez-faire I think, because when it comes to a country 1/5 the size of the world invading a tiny one because of the tiny one’s beliefs are that they need to bomb the infidels…you get the idea…

The last one of course shows that people were first of all oblivious to time because they had a hard enough deal of trying to get something to eat.

Colour was the next point – people went mental over this – colour is what has been socially defined and is only due to the light waves being processed differently in our eyes – most animals have black and white vision because their optic cable is different to ours (I think it’s the optic cable, that or the retina, can’t remember). Colour is the human’s perception of light and no-one else’s – another example being the wasp, who can see in ultraviolet vision. The point was that even though people understood this was the truth they still refused to believe in it. And these are the fundamentals of human history.

Beliefs are there to be undermined. I sure hope that my beliefs and all others’ will be proved wrong later in human history, because it proves we’re getting somewhere. However, it brings the question up – what is the final belief? It seems to be the answer to life.

I don’t think we’ll ever find the final belief. We’ll keep running around in circles until the guys up in the cosmos (hopefully) poke us in the arse and give the answer to what dark matter is made of.

Evolution

Take it how you will, we all seem to be evolving every day. Ever come back from work or a lecture or whatever and think you’ve just learnt something that’ll probably change you for the day, week, month, life? Well I have not had such a day, so don’t worry.

Anyhow, it got me thinking. Evolution can be portrayed as a simple meandering of the molecular structure through every species and every person even. Once knew a guy with 5 1/2 fingers. Not pretty, not pretty. What I’m getting at is…Ok screw this I’m starting again, it’s too fragmented and tangenty now even for me to understand.

Evolution can be portrayed as a change in a species. A simple adding of another genetic element. I’m all for this, and considering Darwin, the poor fellow, has been knocked by every religion under the sun (except for the Tom Cruisionites, they seem to worship this ideal), and still hasn’t had decisive proof for people to go in 200 years ‘ok, people were dumbasses back then, we’re so cool because we have the cure for cancer etc’. Which in itself is either a failsafe theory working towards the change of humankind, or humankind working around this theory to make it failsafe.

Can you see where I’m getting at?

Unfortunately people can’t seem to explain how the eye in general came about, considering that requires the mutation of several million genes at once to just keep the eye safe (lashes, brow, lids, etc) let alone the fucking thing, as well as connecting it to the right part of the brain to make it see. However, the argument for Darwin is that if this didn’t happen, no-one would have survived unless a gazelle happened to jump into a lion’s lap, or if it’d scraped the ground with its tongue until it found grass, and better yet, calling out wildly to find another gazelle to fuck and breed with but discovering it’s gone too far north and it’s swimming in the middle of the sea.

AND THAT’S WHAT DOLPHINS ARE holy shit I rambled

If this didn’t happen, no-one would have survived unless under extremely lucky circumstances. So happened we grew eyes instead.

This brings me to the non-scientific part of evolution I’ve been thinking about. Over the past week or two I’ve obviously been talking to myself and possibly others about what everyone else can talk about, and whenever, instead of anonymously posting it on a tiny little blog in the middle of cyberspace, waiting for someone to read it and go ‘ooh that’s so sad/macho/terrible/fuckable etc’ which validates this bloody blogathing’s existence. So why have I done it? Because I want to know how I’m evolving. I can come back one day and hate everything, stressed and ready to drink myself into a stupor. Or I can come back feeling muscular, healthy and refreshed after exercise and smoothie. For me I seem to evolve on a regular basis, anyway.

Other people – look at them, see how they change even after a week. This depends on their exposure to people, their friendships and changes in life in general – home or work. This can be from the words they use to the attitude they have on people or things (Of course people can influence this evolution but it’s another variable) . The core stays the same but the outside or attitude can dramatically flick from happy to angry in seconds, minutes, hours. I don’t know where I’m going with this, kindly poke me in the back of the head with a stick?

What I suppose I’m trying to say is that I’ve evolved to judge myself a lot more because of this blog, and I’ve learnt to tell other people that they’re wrong even more than usual. This is my stress trait but considering I’ve been wandering around the Internet, looking at much more sensical (opposite of nonsensical Firefox, get it right), interesting and deeper people. So that prompts me to treat everyone in my school like bullshit, which is great for me because I no longer hold my tongue and end up telling people they have double-digit IQs (they don’t know what IQ means most of the time) instead of listening them talking about how Limewire can’t be tracked by the Government if you keep Windows Firewall on. God, how stupid are people, seriously.

People are forced to evolve. This is me in a nutshell – a little history of my life is as follows.

1) I was born in Ipswich as my Dad commuted there most of the time making shitloads but never seeing me as a kid at all. My Mum was bitter and ignorant. We didn’t get a computer until I was around 12, which is why I blame her for making me so avid about technology. I lived in Shotley, a tiny little seaside hamlet.

2) They split up at about 12 and I moved to Ipswich, moving around 3 or 4 times with separate parents until I came to rest at Dad’s at 14 after spending a year in Copleston (which explains my hatred of middle schools because High School is a bitch if it’s Years 7-13!) and was bullied to shit as usual. I was taught about masturbation by a complete freak whose name I can’t remember – the weird convo oddly sticks. Dad was at that point working 2 jobs – a day one and a night one. This was disastrous, and my values came from Dexter’s Laboratory and Eminem, which was the only CD I had at that age from my cousins, who kindly ripped it for me. Anyway at 14 Mum (who’d remarried to an ex-army no-kid-experience fatass named Rob) sent me to bed early for reasons unknown, and Seb (brother) told me they’d been looking through my bag. I thought ’screw it, they look through my stuff, I look through theirs’. Turns out Rob caught me doing it so smashed my PS2 and shouted at me a lot, so I moved to Norfolk where my limbs could stay intact.

3) Finishing Hobart in Year 11 after being a complete weirdo there too, being bullied blahblah etc, went to Bungay. This place is terrible beyond belief and I can’t wait to get out in 6 working days’ time.

Point being I’ve travelled a lot and had pretty much every experience everyone complains about now in my childhood. So I can actually talk down to everyone who says it’s so horrible, because they are stupid and I’ve lived through it.

I evolved, and people do like me too. It’s just lucky that I’m so good at evolving to please everyone that I now have itchy feet and can’t stay anywhere for long, because it gets boring and I piss people off naturally. You want the point of this essay of shite?

Can’t think of one. Suck a lemon. Text me back too.

Influence

Of course, it all comes down to that. My Dad just came in and asked how my day was, I replied as usual like I do to everyone ‘good thanks’ unless I’m feeling in a particularly pissy mood and I break the reasons why I’ve not had a good day into little reasons why he’s ruining it.

But yeah, staying on the beaten track for now. Influence means a shitload. Not just people, but things. The whole ‘Seasonal Affective Disorder’ or, appropriately named, SAD, is true because the weather is there going ‘grr I’m scary, dark, big and ominous, and I’m going to make you look like a complete fucking fool by raining on you even though I enticed you into wearing the least amount of clothes as possible by making myself look sunny in the morning’. Maybe weather has moods. Though yes. Weather can influence us, though it can have the opposite effect, in that everyone’s suddenly got happier and you’re not affected by the weather, so by comparison you seem unhappier. Or You’ve spent too long in bed with the curtains closed during winter watching Secretary…

Right now, I can see the sun, I can see clouds, a fuckload of green, and there’s nothing I wouldn’t like more than the skies to turn the fuck-ugliest shade of grey-black and piss over this myriad of loveliness. Unfortunately now that everyone’s happy I’ve realised how unhappy I’ve been over the last few months, and what stupid mistakes I’ve made. Therefore today I will unravel myself instead of others, as I love to do. Bear in mind this isn’t to make You feel better, or that I think ‘it’ll be fine’ though worse people than You have scraped a 2.2 that I know of.

1) I see people as processes. They are nothing but complicated little machines that work in odd ways, and I don’t currently know why they’re all different. It’s odd in that I think more like a scientist with a crappy little human twinge. Many people don’t seem to get that if I can do it, you should fucking well be able to do it too, because you’re a human like me and you have the capabilities. That’s why whenever someone says I’ll pass with flying colours, that’s all well and good, but anyone could if they actually put their mind to it, or more annoyingly if they, like me, don’t need to try. People are other things that I steal off, fuck, use, insult when I’m annoyed, hurt, and ultimately drive away…though at the moment it seems I’ve got just the right amount of people crawling towards me and others who completely ignore me as I walk past, or do the stupid shouldery thing. Man I hate that shouldery thing, it’s both cowardly as I can’t sneak a punch in, and also mind-rapes you, just like with the egg. It’s the chase, not the catch, as I have undoubtedly explained beforehand at one point or another.

2) The world is taken as read unless it’s an anomaly. Again, people go ‘ooh a shooting star’. Very nice, it’s a construct of frozen nitrogen millions of years old oxygenating with the Earth’s surface, there to ‘protect us’ even though it’s just there, and humans are a result of it being there. People don’t think they are a consequence of everything and decide they came before the egg, but I will elaborate later. Anyway, yes, this lovely shooting stay just hit the atmosphere, just like around 100 at the same time as it and billions before it. I can’t appreciate the value of it because it’s always going to be there. The buttercups come out and I’m pretty awed though, I think it’s because of an emotional-physical memory or tie that I associate with painful or repressed memories and therefore I am drawn to them. Maybe that’s a different blogathing entirely, eh?

I can’t appreciate presents, because I can buy them. I appreciate presents even less when they’re fucking useless. I went through my baby Baptism presents a few weekends ago – I found about 50 bloody silver cups (which is tradition, I know) and 10 silver teaspoons. Now apparently I can’t use the teaspoons for tea, so that’s them wasted. However, I found a little gem – a Parker set including both the ink and ballpoint versions. I’m using them to this date, and I appreciate that David and Helen (whoever the hell they are) got me this for when I was older. 17 years and this present is finally uncovered to be used. The other guys got jack-all appreciation because they are stupid and paid for stuff I will never like and never use. I’ve rambled too much, which brings me to my point of selfish people.

3) I am a very selfish person and I pride myself on it. Others tend to hide it by saying they’re not. If they weren’t they’d move to Cambodia and sustain themselves (just enough) on renewable liquorice branches and pregnant cows. I hate to sound cliché, but everyone is very selfish and they need to realise it before they become me. The majority of people do shit-all to help the world, and that’s why it’s slowly going to shit. That’s why, dumbasses! (Along with the interglacial state mildly increasing the world’s heat before going into a 10-million-year freeze in what scientists call the Second Ice Age – look it up – I’m going to systematically disprove global warming when I have the time to You)

4) This is leading to something, and I’ve just realised it. People and events is all there is in the world, and if you understand (or at least can’t manipulate to your advantage) one of them, then you’re fucked. Lucky that You have the right idea by lying…even though not quite to the advantage, because You’re still trapped and I’m not (by my own will). 11 days and I’m feckin’ outta there, to examinise and temp until I have the money I need to essentially escape. I do not understand people. People do not understand people, which is lucky because I can still control them for now. I do, however, make the wrong mistakes. I ask someone out thinking they’re nice enough and fuckable, without thinking that I don’t actually give a shit about Drama or Biology or education in general, and I’d rather have a girlfriend where school isn’t a primary topic. I mean, come on, you just get out of school, and she wants to talk about it? The idea is one thing to another, a transition from boredom to something fun. Unfortunately, for some people it seems to be the same thing. Sucks.

I spend money too quickly on trying to control people then find out I didn’t need to. I spend money too quickly full stop, to be honest.

However, as the subject quickly turns from influence to me once more, I have my final point, and my final foible.

5) I don’t like to talk about myself. I am just like everyone else, why talk at all when the other person I’m speaking to would say the exact same thing? I’m beginning to learn this is what people call a connection, and ultimately can lead to conversation. This is a good thing because I get to know what people like. If anyone can explain the reason for me to tell others about myself other than to get me worthless presents (e.g. my ex gave me a ‘Conspiracy Theories’ book after finding out I was dab at the whole 9/11 conspiracy. For some reason I’ve never opened it. However, giving me a computer mouse and a blowjob was a lot more helpful…oh come on Firefox pull your finger out and include sex terms…)

I’m learning about myself too quickly and I don’t like the speed of this. However, the show must go on…

(Woah 1337 words!!!)

Until next time, and ffs don’t commit suicide. Your face is too nice, and I’ll have to put up with people telling me I shouldn’t be drunk at a funeral.

Exercise

I’ve been doing a lot of it and I’ve decided it helps me stay happy. Unlucky I haven’t had the chance to do it for the past few days because of all the French etc. Stress took over…but now I have another 9 days until the next exam and I won’t worry until my French teacher undermines my confidence once more than she already has and makes me think I should memorise the dictionary. I think the reason why I seem to have an edge over other people doing French is because I have a generally better understanding of English – 40% of English is made up of either archaic or modern French – so I can guess what the paragraph or specific word means without having looked it up. It worked all well and good in AS, but they’re testing your arrogance it seems in A2, just to get you ready for uni. Or it feels that way to me, because I don’t look at exams as a simple ‘test your knowledge’ thing, it’s more of a life experience as well – the pressure, the time limit, the silence you need to endure (in my case at least), and the tension surrounding this difficult time in everyone’s life as you can almost see the red seething off everyone as they storm about the school thinking they’re the only one that feels this way and when they realise they’re not, they get even angrier about it. Luckily, this happened to me in Year 9 for SATs, so I’m good now and can rise above all the other pricks.

Is this what You expected from me in this blog? I don’t really know where I’m going with this, as in all other blogathings I’ve done so far. All I can say is that I’m slightly more relaxed than the last few times, and getting a bit more prepared for A2 by simply learning words from a nice little revision book, which also tells me how to pass, because I’ve self-taught all this year, which I think I explained last blogathing. If not, I’ll explain in the next one.

Anyway must be off, got some Media revision to do (watching The Creature From Beyond The Skies) fuck this will be enlightening and boring at the same time, but hey. Ciao for now, I’m off for some cold beers and a nice Sunday afternoon. Text me, it makes me happy.

Better

You know the whole ‘know you’re going to die’ thing? Where you go through loads of different emotions and come out at acceptance?

I’m past anger for now, though Grandma coming round and telling me I was ‘red about the cheeks’ didn’t help – family members are included in my frustration and anger at them. Anyway. Yeah, feeling a lot better, flirting with frenchies, watching the cat settle down and sleep outside in the sun, trying to avoid placing my arms anywhere because they’re so fucking sunburnt…

Wait, what?…

NEW CHARLIE THE UNICORN! http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=QFCSXr6qnv4 actually hilarious. FUUUGUUUU!

So that makes me crazy…

I really don’t know what to say because I’m in a relatively good mood and re-watching Charlie repeatedly. If only there was a repeat button for those videos. Man I’m tired from all this revision. I’m sure I’ll feel better tomorrow.

Ciao to be honest, I am so boring. And You wouldn’t believe how enlightening it was just to see You for like 20 seconds.

Grr

To get it off my chest (which is pale and white…):

a) I am fucking sunburnt. This is a result of both b) and partly d).

b) French is looming on Friday and I can’t tell You how much You think I’m not going to fail, I reckon I’ll scrape through at best. At least I hope…So yes, I spent around 5 hours in the sun sitting revising today. I feel accomplished yet am stinging and red in boring places. It’s nice that people generally look at my forearms but I don’t take the compliment of ‘ooh you’ve caught the sun on your nose a bit haven’t you’ every single fucking summer very well. Be warned. Just because my nose can rival a Jew’s (or so it seems) doesn’t mean you can contribute a goddamned thing. However, I am sunburnt and Frenchified as a result of c).

c) Other exams, quite frankly, don’t matter. I can pass them because I coast, people say ‘ooh you’re going to fail if you don’t pick up your act’ and I pass just to fuck them off. I know I do this, don’t say it’s for attention or I’ll wrap my 10-minute présentation around your angles, string you up on the swings that I’ve been revising on and around for the entire day upside-down, and proceed to beat you to death whilst reciting the thing. I am in a bad mood as a result of stress and it’s best to stay well away between now and end of June unless it’s You, alcohol in general, or the bringer of alcohol. Or perhaps a mix of the three, that’d be just fine.

d) I can’t keep time for shit. I’m showing off the Cillit Bang trance remix, and all of a sudden it’s 2:30 and I can finally fuck off home to do no work by getting a bus. Whoops, missed it so instead of doing more work, I think I’ll just chillax on the monkey bars and smell everyone else’s weed smoke. Oh come on, how is chillax not a real word. And now another letter, because otherwise I can’t organise paragraphs.

e) When I was walking home yesterday, some random passing car threw an egg at my feet and hit me…for you, this may seem a bit odd or even worth complaining about, but I just kept walking home…I even went into Factory Shop, managed to charm the Assistant while buying a crappy bag for Uni (as well as Poppets…oh Poppets. Oh.) and just I do not care. However, it got me to think…how would other people react? And what can they think of that, how can they comprehend it? E.g. In Your mindset, I’m assuming it’d go -

(Subconscious) Thump, what the heck was that on my foot.

*Looks back* looks a bit like a broken apple, why would anyone wtf a yolk? Ok, where did this egg come from? Who threw the egg? Why did they throw the egg? (This all comes at once)

*Vainly looks for the car that threw it* am I to blame? Have I done something wrong? Eggs aren’t thrown at random people. Or are they? Is this a pre-emptive attack considering the person driving the car had no idea where I would usually be, as I am often in different places? If so, why didn’t he hit the guy in front of me? Does he look more of a twat than me? No, he has a leather man-bag. Is he perhaps too twattish to egg and I need to be cut down to size? I don’t see why a random attack would do this.

Etc. But you know what I mean. Fuck me I ramble don’t I. Don’t bother reading that all if You don’t want to.

Where was I? Oh yeah, nowhere. Gah French, gah gah gah. Ok, I’m sticking on French rock, closing the curtains to the setting sun highlighting the swarm of bugs waiting to rip me to shreds (damn, didn’t play football with Dad, should do tomorrow or something), flicking the light on, getting annoyed at it as it’s energy-saving and therefore my room looks like it should be lit like a portaloo for 5 minutes (I like my lightbulbs strong and my women submissive…should be my tagline) and reading my crapping 2 pages of bullshit. Come Friday I can’t wait to feel un-stressed. Period. Trust me, I stay angry but am not stressed until the exams are over because people are just..so..annoying when they’re stressed. Though it makes me feel both good and annoyed that I can spot each person’s reaction to stress before I happens, because I should’ve taken Psychology instead of Media, which is a doss despite opening more options later on. E.g. the clowns get clownier, but also very silent at times. The bitches bitch even more, but also feel guilty about themselves, and upset – they don’t know why they’re upset, but it’s their subconscious trying to cope with the guilt/stress. And the womanisers and macho-men just have a short temper. In that if you tell me I’ve lost weight I convince you you’re actually much bigger than you used to be. Maybe I’m generalising but that seems to be it.

What else do I talk about…bleh. Should have mentioned in my main blogathing that I am rather obsessed with spelling and grammar. Use your or there in the wrong situation and I immediately think you’re originally from South Wales where inbreeding has affected you to the point of not being able to figure out the difference despite elitists like me correcting time and again the frankly simian mistakes.

I feel like I’m taken, though I’m not. I have also thought and decided on a definite goal for my lucid dreaming. You will be chained, with those furry handcuffs, to a balcony overlooking the Eiffel tower, bent over with legs spread wide. You will, in Your words, let me fuck You senseless. No, there’s no reason for this paragraph, I just have nothing left to say.

Seeya.

RAQ

Thought I’d start it sooner rather than later.

I’m as uniquely boring as the rest of the however many thousands of people that post on her every minute, with no twist or turn in my life, no inner trouble (which seems to matter), no illness, no broken bones, no girlfriend, and until July it seems I have no life. You’ll find my interests and dislikes embedded in these little blogathings.

So now we’re done with the basics I’d like to give you a run-through on how this is going to work.

• There is a difference between You and you. This is one of the English language’s evolutions, which makes it largely inferior to most other languages around the planet, despite being the most widely used. One can’t say one anymore because chavs and Newcastle have ruined it, so unfortunately English has a huge gap in it that you can’t say ‘one’ anymore…it seems to be cliché. Therefore I am officially making a difference between Tu and On. Tu is You. If this reached anyone but You, I’d be pretty scared that one small child can actually be heard in this increasingly full world. You are pretty much the one I’m doing it for, and therefore You deserve to be in caps.
• *Warning* I love tangents. So should you. One track is boring. If something pops into my head about how I’m out of Poppets, you’d better give a damn because it’s just as unimportant as everything else I’m waffling on about.
• My opinion is right, and if I hear your opinion, I am probably going to listen to it, then systematically attempt to prove to you why my opinion is better than yours and why it is more correct. Just the way I’m wired.
• Tea with the bag left in it is feckin’ awesome, Firefox’s red dotted line under every modernised word like ‘blog’ fucks me off, and I am a video game addict.
• People say ‘music is my life’ but I doubt they mean it – I have trouble with silence, because there is no music in it. I don’t get bored of music and anyone that says anything I listen to sounds the same should compare High Contrast or Notorious B.I.G. with The Chariot or Dream Theater. Fuck you.
• You’ve been wondering for some time why it’s not FAQ, or maybe You’ve figured it out because we’re so oddly similar in some aspects. To put Your mind at rest, it’s Rarely Asked Questions. Just became aware that Your/You makes You sound like god or something. Meh.
• Meh was one of the first words added to the cuntish Firefox dictionary.
• Just adding – 4ndeh wasn’t meant to mock You, Andeh wasn’t available. ;(

To leave You with something I’m thinking – if people like to think they’re different, why do they go to see bands/plays/multi-million dollar films like the rest of us?