Self

You can sense that the winds are changing, even though there is a peculiar stillness in the air today as mental Mercury pauses to shift his apparent direction. Instead of racing ahead with your best idea, take time now to look back over the past few weeks, integrate what you’ve learned and then begin to apply your new perspective over the next few days.

Thanks, Horoscope. I feel a lot better about what to do next in my life.

After Friday I have not felt like myself. I don’t know why – I’ve been doing exams, revising, shitting about, watching football with my AoT-forum and MSN buddy Adam, playing guitar, chatting up frenchies on the internet. I am in physical form the same, and haven’t changed any part of my routine.

So why do I crawl in my skin even when I wake up?

I don’t feel ‘right’. There’s something there that makes me react to whatever happens and it makes me feel ill. I don’t want it to be there, it’s not something I am. Every second it makes me feel uneasy, out-of-body and out of control. Normally I control my mind – it seems my mind has been controlling me. And it feels so wrong…

I appreciate this is probably the average identity crisis – I am what I am, I change every hour anyway, I will never be the same person twice with people I meet. I just feel like Fate’s pushed me through a door and closed the past, and won’t even let me look back to see if the keys I have in my hand fit the dead-bolted lock. The past is so close to the present – just the same amount of time as the future – and it’s useless reaching either side because you’ll end up doing something wrong. I have very much gone wrong, and wish to just start again. October can’t come soon enough.

Is identity what other people think of you? You say that I’m something in particular, but am I only that to appease other people’s perceptions of me? If I was to change that, would anyone notice and would anyone think worse or better of me? Or would they be too busy thinking about how hard it is being them?

I don’t know what’s happening but I definitely think once I disappear into the wide world of work then I’ll feel a lot more absorbed in life, and a lot less puny and pointless.

What can I do in 60 years to make my life worth living? Is there a set amount of things to do? Are the ‘truly happy’ people the ones who have unlocked this one thing, or things only done in a certain way?

Where do I fit in?