Renewed

Hello, my name’s Andrew and I’ve been renewed. At least it seems that way since I’ve changed too much yet not noticed anything happen on the way.

I’m an 18-year-old typical teenage stoner. I had a hang-up once which I still haven’t got over, but I keep trying. I’m currently with someone I really like. And this is what scares me.

EVERYONE I get into a relationship with has been a carbon copy of the other. Sorry, but that’s the facts. What really scared me yesterday was the fact that my new…er..partner? was on iTunes and had organised everything perfectly, putting every song not in an album into one marked ‘Random’.

This is exactly what one of my exes used to do. The similarities don’t stop there, it’s just freaky how everything seems to have a déja-vu quality to it.

Now, I have an exam on tomorrow and I’m not particularly worried. All that I’m worried about is getting there on time, as I haven’t been able to sleep recently. Why? Because I’ve realised slowly that I’m a complete mess with no real aim, who drinks, smokes, farts and snores like the rest of us.

We are the all-singing, all-dancing crap of the world. We are all part of the same compost heap.

And in all probability, God hates us all.

Thanks, invisible friend.

Worry

I hate that the majority of things I worry about turn out to fuck-all. Will I get paid? Yes, I will – not a big amount but still money…

Will I be ok at Bloodstock? Of course I will, won’t be perfect getting there but once I’m there it’ll be great.

Will I get good results tomorrow? This is what I’m stuck on at the moment and if I don’t pass, seriously it will suck, which I suppose will not happen, but it’s good to spend some time worrying on it anyway. Where would life be without all of this worry? I don’t understand why it is so much like this. There must’ve been so many times in history where this has occured. Did the Prussians worry about defeating Napoleon? Hmm. Did Lord Sandwich worry about the monster he’d created (when in fact Lord Bap made the same sort of thing over a century before him)? I dunno…

I’m not saying I’m nervous…goddamnit.

I’m learning more every day, but I don’t know if it’ll come to a conclusion any time yet. I’ll just watch and wait.

Kissing

Prevention of tooth decay, losing weight and slows the ageing process by toning jaw muscles. Good things seem to attract good things, it’s funny how evolution has its way in life.

Anyway, I’m off to the beach, might bring a notepad. Hmm.

Change

It’s something about waking up on your 18th having remembered none of last night, then being told you were found by an ambulance at 3am.

Maybe it’s time for a change. Less drinking methinks.

More later.

Timeline

I thought I’d do a visual timeline of photos I’ve taken from being in High-School right up until now.

The main difference appears to be my hair and my smile, because it’s gone from photos unless I’m drunk.

16th Birthday

Just after 16th

Just after 16th

Still 16, not quite 17 I think

May, was almost 17

Just before 17th, in France

December while 17

17, February

March/April time, 17

End of April, 17

Mid-May

Just now – been doing nothing all day. 18 next week.

My life is uninteresting and I wish I was 16 again because I was complete geek but I could actually relate to people. I don’t know why I’ve become so elitist but it’s not doing me any good. Unfortunately I can’t see a way out – people are stupid and I have to correct them. Meh, I’m sure something’ll come and sort me out eventually.

Short blogs are short.

Cleanliness (+More)

“So I have too much stuff. I’m clearing up now (kind of) but I’m realising it’s actually hopeless – I don’t have enough space to put all of this shit. Stuff like magazine CDs, books, guitar shite, headphones (1 of 10 works in both ears but I can’t bring myself to throw them away) and other assorted rubbish. I’m annoyed with myself in places (I have a book-light which is out of battery and a feeder for SeaMonkeys which have died months ago on my desk for example) and I know I won’t throw a lot of this away until Uni…even then it’ll take about a week to decide what.”

I don’t wish to divulge anything else to Myspace.

It’s so annoying – I think my parents are actually right about how being organised helps grades. Meh, I’ll be more organised come Uni because I’ll have a smaller room and one, lovely subject to concentrate on – language. (Start tangent)

Think of all the ways different languages create an image in your mind…Spanish has a dusty, old feeling to it. “Mis tíos viven en el campo” – My aunt and uncle live in the countryside – it’s nothing like in French where you would say “Ma tante et mon oncle vivent á la campagne”, where if said in a traditional strong accent, you imagine a big mansion in the middle of nowhere with servants and a vineyard. The Spanish version, said out loud, builds a picture of a tiny shack with a pen for alpacas and 3 small, tanned children running around it shouting and playing – the aunt and uncle come out and shout ‘ven conmigo mis niños!’. End tangent.

Going back to cleanliness…my parents have a strange urge to be clean. I don’t know why, maybe I’ll do it when I’m older, but they come in with a cup of tea or something and take old cups out, tell me to make the bed, ask if I’m going to put my clothes away, etc. I wonder if I’ll miss this when I’m in uni…the problem is I’m taking a big dislike to cleanliness no matter what they say. Sure, baths and showers, but when it comes to material possessions I’d rather have them strategically placed around my bed and computer, which is kind of what it’s like now. Still, I’m going to have to clean today because otherwise I won’t find a matching A2 past paper and cassette for the listening part.

This brings me to the next point I’ve been thinking about recently. When I’m older.

My Dad has been disappointed in me in certain bits – he is annoyed I don’t work as much as he did when he was my age, I don’t go out nearly as much, I’m generally lazy whereas he didn’t have the choice and had to bike 5 miles a day to school. I spent hours and hours on the computer every day pretty much doing nothing.

When I’m older will I be like this? Will I tell my 6-year-old kid to go to bed at 7:30 and he’ll tell me he’s just finishing learning about nuclear science for his homework, and can he stay up another 30 minutes so the computer finishes uploading it to his brain? I’ll tell him it’s cheating and when I was young I had to learn by memory, becoming disappointed.

Will I be disappointed when he has his first girlfriend…on MSN?

Will I be disappointed when I see on the curriculum that writing is no longer needed and is replaced by typing?

I’m giving this up, it’s making me a bit depressed. Woo, cleaning and revision here I come.

Worth

Today I explore and compare, very shortly, physical objects with the feeling of worth.

Nah screw this, I don’t feel like writing at the moment so I’ll write what I want.

Guitaring is getting annoying but I’ve recently had a breakthrough in that if I spent more than 30 seconds trying to learn something instead of trying to be a prodigy and getting it right the first time I play it, then I am actually able to play that song. Therefore I conclude with this that I should be Jimi Hendrix standard due to effort and not due to ability, because ability comes with practice.

I never listen to the words in songs. I’m currently listening to ‘Paint Your Target’ by Fightstar. I actually know literally none of the words, but I like the riff so it’s ok. Words really do mean nothing in songs to me…except Opeth (l) mmm Opeth.

I am drinking myself to death, but also back to life. Last night was the first time I’ve wished upon a star. I had 350ml of vodka, which was obviously my motive to look at the stars and mumble at them.

The prospect of doing a French exam next Thursday hasn’t sunk in yet, and I’ve done no fucking revision. I’m disappointed with myself, but this could possibly be because I’m guaranteed at least a D, which I need to get into Uni. Seems that I am actually relying on luck, never a good thing…

I need a new acoustic, but for some reason life won’t let my account get about £20 for longer than 3 days. I’m taking money out of my savings account for uni trying to convince myself that I’ll make £700 in 2 months. Which i hope I will :S

There’s nothing left to spill out of my mind. I’m off to play guitar.

Habit

This might be a long one depending on how deep I go.

Today was a shit day because of the many crying babies girls as it was the last day of school ever.

Ever. That’s 14 years of being somewhere you really don’t want to be. However, to make it better, people make friends. I don’t see the point of being sad about people you only put up with to get through the 14 years, along with being in an environment that in fact prohibits friendship in many ways – no talking, don’t talk to strangers, anti-bullying messages, generally bigger people (though Bungay had it easy – Year 7s vs Year 13s was difficult to say the least in Copleston) and fatigue from having shit you don’t want crammed into your brain, into your brain. At least I think this is why I’m mildly annoyed at this.

There was also a ball. Aside from it being a gross Americanisation (might as well just call sinks faucets and get car bonnets confused with trunks now and get it over with) it’s also and over-the-top way of saying ‘I no longer have to see your faces blahing at me every single day’. The whole ‘clique’ thing goes to a new level and drunken boundaries are broken. Not to mention the bus ride home…bleurghhhh. Don’t get me wrong but I still haven’t got this people business, and if I seem general, arrogant and a fuckwit, then it was probably not meant (enough commas?), but this is just stupid. Plus I look like a tit in a suit.

No longer lingering on this for fear of looking resentful towards the jocks and plastics who sail through life with people like me dribbling at their feet (Emma Scotton is actually the most perfect-looking person I’ve ever seen and I want to steal her), for me school has been a habit, and so I suppose people have become that too. Signing in people’s leaver’s books I wrote the same thing – I’ll miss you etc. Posing in photos I made the same face.

Others showed some kind of…feeling. I don’t really feel that, and I’m beginning to think it’s a part of my life that I must have just skipped at some point. I’m fine with staying in the corner and just observing others, I don’t want to be part of the conversation because it turns into me telling other people about stuff. I like the out-of-the-way, no-strings feeling of being invisible and sailing through without others looking at me, either in a bad light or a good one. For a megalomaniac I seem to have bipolar.

I know some people would have been mildly annoyed that I said goodbye a few times to some guys, but that was only because I was dragged along instead of going home early. This means they think I actually will really miss them, which I suppose is a good thing now I come to think of it.

I really, really hope my new life doesn’t become a habit just like that one. I hate the slog, the self-predictability. I want to try polyphasic sleep – a method in which your body gets the 3 hours of REM it needs as soon as it goes to sleep. Think the German, efficient version of sleep. Unfortunately, you can only take 30 minute or 20 minute sleeps, at 6 or 4 hour intervals, according to the guide. This would screw up any plans you had really, for example day-trips or extended periods away from home in general. This method of sleep isn’t easy to move in and out of either – this one guy spent about a month getting into it and only just managed to do it. However, this can leave too much time at night just sitting waiting, whereas normally you’d be asleep. Everything has its advantages and disadvantages, but I’d love to just try it, to see how it felt. Apparently every cycle you do, you dream straight away because your body has to adapt to the conditions you’re setting it. It’s a beautiful idea, and works on the same idea as any ‘normal’ monophasic sleep pattern, except it ignores time and light indicators. Anyway, enough about that.

The only thing that doesn’t make me go ‘guh’ in an annoyed manner is language and a crush. I spent about 30 minutes reading a book about grammar that I picked up as a joke, and learnt about orthography (the way in which words are meant to be worded). It actually turned me on a little, god I’m weird.

Crushes are just awesome because you never know if it’ll turn into a thrill-ride or end up being light flirting for the rest of life with them. I tend to have a lot of crushes. Maybe it’s a good thing I’m leaving school? I still the mentality in some parts.

Going back to habits.

I bite my nails pretty badly – about 3 or 4 of my fingers are bleeding or have bled from today, and that’s about normal for me. I know I’ll end up with stubby fingers or whatever, or in jobs people will go ‘ooh no he’s a baddie because of his fingernails etc’ but I just don’t care for now. What started as habit has become relaxation and comfort. I love to bite my nails, I actually love it. The caress and prising to having not had a chance for ages and sitting for 15 minutes for a session. If I didn’t bite my nails I wouldn’t feel like me.

Habits are defined as ‘an established way of behaving’. Society is a habit. Talking is a habit. Life is a habit if that’s anything to go by.

A habit for me is, if I was to control the dictionary, ‘an addiction to a characteristic trait or behaviour’ i.e. I bite my nails, I chew plectrums (now you know what to get me for birthday ), I have tea with the bag still in. I can deny it’s an addiction, but here’s where the line is blurred – where do you just like something and where is the addiction? That seems to be down to society to tell you. You suck your thumb? Addiction. You drag your feet? Habit. Stupidity in a nutshell…

I’ve gone as deep as I want, I think. I haven’t padded it out, as I never do. My mind goes in a tunnel with forks, and just follows one. That’s why I don’t get very good marks on essays. Well, I do, but that’s because I’m just fucking awesome.

(Small update – Internet just cut off. I had to turn the wireless off and on again to post this. Habit?)

Association

Chocolate

Sex

Taste

Turkey

Christmas

Disappointment (…)

Television

Station Agent

Midgets

Bullying

Ears

Just Words

Music

Love

Pillow (…)

MSN

You

I think we have proved anything comes down to anything?

My word association may suck arse because I’m not literally blah-ing straight off, I’m having to type. However my word association is probably almost exactly the same as everyone else’s. Worrying considering there are 13,000 words in the English Dictionary and I spawned 8-10 of them.

What would you associate with Chocolate? Many would pick sex I’m sure, others would pick Christmas, others would pick bullying. Also funny how they’re interconnected.

Any point to this? No.

Memory Dump begin:

I have an odd friend talking to me whom I only keep in contact with so he buys me gig tickets.

Why is Chloe talking to me, and why did she come out as bi on Myspace, that’s sad.

I love this song, it reminds me of Ash and how fucked we’re going to get in August as Bloodstock. I love Annotations of an Autopsy.

I miss Year 12 people at school because they are more mature than the other fuckwits in my year, and a hell of a lot more interesting.

My phone charger has a bit missing on it so I can’t charge it unless it’s on the computer, which is mildly annoying.

I can’t wait until the weekend and the days afterwards. No more cunts.

We’re gonna be guitar buddieeeeees

Haven’t been to a gig blind drunk in ages, though whenever I do I either get a girl’s phone number or lost my own damn phone.

Going to the cinema with 2 girls tomorrow and they find it completely normal, I’m wondering if they think I’m gay or are just letting me tag along to look at their legs and bum. Mmm.

I’m actually going to delete this later I think, it’s a waste of the internet. Good bye

Evolution

Take it how you will, we all seem to be evolving every day. Ever come back from work or a lecture or whatever and think you’ve just learnt something that’ll probably change you for the day, week, month, life? Well I have not had such a day, so don’t worry.

Anyhow, it got me thinking. Evolution can be portrayed as a simple meandering of the molecular structure through every species and every person even. Once knew a guy with 5 1/2 fingers. Not pretty, not pretty. What I’m getting at is…Ok screw this I’m starting again, it’s too fragmented and tangenty now even for me to understand.

Evolution can be portrayed as a change in a species. A simple adding of another genetic element. I’m all for this, and considering Darwin, the poor fellow, has been knocked by every religion under the sun (except for the Tom Cruisionites, they seem to worship this ideal), and still hasn’t had decisive proof for people to go in 200 years ‘ok, people were dumbasses back then, we’re so cool because we have the cure for cancer etc’. Which in itself is either a failsafe theory working towards the change of humankind, or humankind working around this theory to make it failsafe.

Can you see where I’m getting at?

Unfortunately people can’t seem to explain how the eye in general came about, considering that requires the mutation of several million genes at once to just keep the eye safe (lashes, brow, lids, etc) let alone the fucking thing, as well as connecting it to the right part of the brain to make it see. However, the argument for Darwin is that if this didn’t happen, no-one would have survived unless a gazelle happened to jump into a lion’s lap, or if it’d scraped the ground with its tongue until it found grass, and better yet, calling out wildly to find another gazelle to fuck and breed with but discovering it’s gone too far north and it’s swimming in the middle of the sea.

AND THAT’S WHAT DOLPHINS ARE holy shit I rambled

If this didn’t happen, no-one would have survived unless under extremely lucky circumstances. So happened we grew eyes instead.

This brings me to the non-scientific part of evolution I’ve been thinking about. Over the past week or two I’ve obviously been talking to myself and possibly others about what everyone else can talk about, and whenever, instead of anonymously posting it on a tiny little blog in the middle of cyberspace, waiting for someone to read it and go ‘ooh that’s so sad/macho/terrible/fuckable etc’ which validates this bloody blogathing’s existence. So why have I done it? Because I want to know how I’m evolving. I can come back one day and hate everything, stressed and ready to drink myself into a stupor. Or I can come back feeling muscular, healthy and refreshed after exercise and smoothie. For me I seem to evolve on a regular basis, anyway.

Other people – look at them, see how they change even after a week. This depends on their exposure to people, their friendships and changes in life in general – home or work. This can be from the words they use to the attitude they have on people or things (Of course people can influence this evolution but it’s another variable) . The core stays the same but the outside or attitude can dramatically flick from happy to angry in seconds, minutes, hours. I don’t know where I’m going with this, kindly poke me in the back of the head with a stick?

What I suppose I’m trying to say is that I’ve evolved to judge myself a lot more because of this blog, and I’ve learnt to tell other people that they’re wrong even more than usual. This is my stress trait but considering I’ve been wandering around the Internet, looking at much more sensical (opposite of nonsensical Firefox, get it right), interesting and deeper people. So that prompts me to treat everyone in my school like bullshit, which is great for me because I no longer hold my tongue and end up telling people they have double-digit IQs (they don’t know what IQ means most of the time) instead of listening them talking about how Limewire can’t be tracked by the Government if you keep Windows Firewall on. God, how stupid are people, seriously.

People are forced to evolve. This is me in a nutshell – a little history of my life is as follows.

1) I was born in Ipswich as my Dad commuted there most of the time making shitloads but never seeing me as a kid at all. My Mum was bitter and ignorant. We didn’t get a computer until I was around 12, which is why I blame her for making me so avid about technology. I lived in Shotley, a tiny little seaside hamlet.

2) They split up at about 12 and I moved to Ipswich, moving around 3 or 4 times with separate parents until I came to rest at Dad’s at 14 after spending a year in Copleston (which explains my hatred of middle schools because High School is a bitch if it’s Years 7-13!) and was bullied to shit as usual. I was taught about masturbation by a complete freak whose name I can’t remember – the weird convo oddly sticks. Dad was at that point working 2 jobs – a day one and a night one. This was disastrous, and my values came from Dexter’s Laboratory and Eminem, which was the only CD I had at that age from my cousins, who kindly ripped it for me. Anyway at 14 Mum (who’d remarried to an ex-army no-kid-experience fatass named Rob) sent me to bed early for reasons unknown, and Seb (brother) told me they’d been looking through my bag. I thought ’screw it, they look through my stuff, I look through theirs’. Turns out Rob caught me doing it so smashed my PS2 and shouted at me a lot, so I moved to Norfolk where my limbs could stay intact.

3) Finishing Hobart in Year 11 after being a complete weirdo there too, being bullied blahblah etc, went to Bungay. This place is terrible beyond belief and I can’t wait to get out in 6 working days’ time.

Point being I’ve travelled a lot and had pretty much every experience everyone complains about now in my childhood. So I can actually talk down to everyone who says it’s so horrible, because they are stupid and I’ve lived through it.

I evolved, and people do like me too. It’s just lucky that I’m so good at evolving to please everyone that I now have itchy feet and can’t stay anywhere for long, because it gets boring and I piss people off naturally. You want the point of this essay of shite?

Can’t think of one. Suck a lemon. Text me back too.